Stupid Happens
Like, all the time...
Company first sergeants deal with any number of incidents, issues, and other things I like to file under STUPID. I could always tell when a Stupid File was beginning to unfold in front of me.
Usually the stupid incident file opens with a sentence like the following:
“What happened was…” - This opener is even more classic than “Once upon a time…”
“We were drinking…” - The beginning of many a tragedy.
“I was the designated driver…” - This fact does not lend your testimony the credibility you think it does, stud.
“I thought it would be funny if…” Yeah, hilarious.
“We were doing some MCMAP…” Oh, no you weren’t! You were horsing around!
“I didn’t think…” Yes, I already know that.
“I think there’s been a misunderstanding…” Indeed, but not by me, killer.
Amazingly, any and all of those sentences are used almost every single time in every single incident involving stupidity. Other intros are a little more incident specific:
“Well I had given him my pin number…” - Yes, he’s a criminal, but you are stupid.
“I had my knife out…” - The beginning of a tale destined not to end well.
“We were trying to see if we could…” - This statement alone is enough to induce a small stroke.
“He let me use his car before and…” - So, this means now you are allowed to help yourself any time I take it?
“She doesn’t love him anymore…” - Killer, she’s still married for one. Two, if she cheated on him, she’s GOING to cheat on you, too.
Most of the time news of stupidity is delivered by phone. It’s another reason why I hated that malevolent harbinger of bad news. With the advent of modern cell phone technology I received calls informing me of asinine behavior at all hours of the day and night. Technology sucks!
Here’s an example of dumb (hypothetically):
Spitefully, my cell phone awakened me with its incessant vibrating; driven no doubt by the unholy spirit which inhabited it. One bleary eye semi-focused on my watch, noting it was about two in the morning. I curse whoever is the root of this phone call with a pox upon their entire house. My poor attempt at answering the phone in a professional manner came out more like, “Brhggrh…jkjdd… kill yourself.”
This was when the unfortunate Marine on duty had to deliver the bad news. In this case, one of my brain surgeons had been arrested for DUI while attempting to leave through the back gate. Steely eyed and alert Military Police were able to apprehend him after he plowed into their parked squad car. Upon opening the car door to see if the driver was ok, the MPs watched our hero pour out on to the street like a bucket of wet socks.
It was one of those judgment calls which can only be born out of the bottom of a bottle of tequila. I took particular note of the genius it took to conceive and execute the notion to go out after finishing the bottle off.
Just another one of the many kinds of incidents which sent my blood pressure skyrocketing to unsafe levels. Out there the stupidity could be ingenious in its ability to be concocted without the aid of alcohol. That is a level of stupid mastery we’ll save for another day.
Young, male, with money to spend, and not having any reason to budget since the military pays for food and housing.
"Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time ..."
(Yes, I admit to having uttered that line at least once while I was in. I never tried to hide the fact that I made E-4 THREE TIMES, and left as an E-5.)
You did include the drunken Marine meet MP story, so I want to point out that no good story ever started with too much tofu.
I had a soldier, who had somehow become an NCO, who would lead with a sentence like, “I was just thinking about __________, and it occurred to me…” This was my cue that it was too late. She had been thinking, which is like saying the Soldiers were toying with the VX rounds or we wanted to know why were weren’t allowed to remove the safety cover.
Whatever followed from her was invariably nothing you’d ever want to hear about. If you were lucky, it was merely blathering or sanity-scarring observations. If you were not lucky, you would be picking up the fragments of whatever she had pooch-screwed.
Other indicators and warnings include:
I saw this cool thing on the internet (or on TV, if you go back far enough)… and you just decided that it must have been legit.
My buddy from Basic told me how to… Stop right there. Your buddy from Basic was dumber than a bag of rocks. You said so yourself.
So, I saw that thing/condition/warning, but I didn’t think… You damn right. In fact, that went without saying, but as soon as you said it, I knew the motor pool was on fire or there would be a call from the First Sergeant.
No one told me I had to do X… No one tells you each time you sh*t to wipe your azz before you pull up your pants, and yet you somehow manage to make that work for you.